i'm not creative. and i didn't know what to call this second blog. it is not taking over my original blog. instead, it's really just meant to be an outlet for right now. heck, i might never publish it. might never tell anyone about it.
i thought i was crazy. because i've been dying to write. i've been wanting to get so much out, but haven't been able to because it's all still a secret. but then i saw jk rowling on oprah. and she reassured me that it's normal to feel that way. that it simply means you're a writer. ahhh, thanks jk. that's good. one, because it normalizes me which is pretty hard to do. and two, because i've finally been told that i'm something i've always wanted to be...a writer. obviously, not like her. (are you laughing? ha. i mean, OBVIOUSLY NOT LIKE HER.) but you know, just a simple girl. living a simple life. feeling cathartic by writing. it's almost as good as crying. or saying a good ole fashioned curse word.
the smell of my kitchen sink makes me want to vomit. that was the running title for this blog for a split second. and then i realized it would be too long. and too weird. and just plain too much to type into the window up top. so i changed it to the reason that the kitchen sink makes me want to vomit.
because baby fulks is causing my hormone levels to be so stinkin' high that i'm dying. i'm nauseous pretty much all day every day. it seems to get a little better around 9 or so at night. it's then you can find me rummaging through the cabinets in the kitchen. eating everything i can find. making up for what i didn't eat during the day.
i'm serious. i eat oatmeal cookies. reeses cups. kit kats. i chug milk from the jug. i bite into apples and carry them around in my mouth...clenched between my teeth while looking for something else to eat. it's crazy. i'm pretty sure it qualifies as an eating disorder. but i mean, just chalk it up to something else i have. i wake around 3 am sick as a dog. hating myself for eating all that junk. it's carbs. carbs are what i crave. carbs and sugar. i'm really looking forward to the glucose test. that stuff tastes like kool aid. yum.my.
my boobs are gigantic. i feel like i can say that because i have no male readers. or female readers for that matter. but hey...you know what i mean. i'm only 7 weeks and they are ridiculous. and i swear that i can already feel my uterus expanding. this ain't gonna be pretty folks. but i know it doesn't matter. because i was left the sweetest note the other day from clint. about how excited he is. about how great this is for us. and our family. and for some weird, unknown reason, i know that he will love me no matter what. and that warms my soul.
my first doctor's visit is on wednesday. and this time i'm making sure i'm not alone by taking pratt and clint with me. i feel pretty confident in that everything is good, but i'm not taking any chances. i know that me being so sick is a good sign. but something could still happen. and i know that. and sometimes it keeps me up at night. but then i remember that worrying gets me no where. so i try to pray and relax and know that God has already written this story. and that i just need to trust Him.
okay. enough for today.
